The Frustrated Artist

I used to really love art. I wouldn't say I was any good, but it felt like such a release. But I was disheartened many years ago when I was still in school. I was studying for my Art GCSE and I was doing a project of Japan. I came up with this idea of doing a massive origami display. I made a huge origami phoenix and the phoenix would be followed by loads of smaller birds. It was going to go throughout the ENTIRE building, taking up loads of the ceiling space. But then my art teacher made me move my display, so the area got a lot smaller. Then, my display was taken down without warning after I had spent hours just on the first part of the display. I screamed at my art teacher "But you told me to move it here!" and all he did was shrug his shoulders. To add insult to injury, my phoenix was carelessly tossed aside and got damaged.

Afterwards I felt really depressed. I had put in all that work for nothing. And I felt anger, because I had, what I thought, a great idea but I was unable to finish my project up to my standards.

Sometimes I feel this way about lolita. I come up with this big (and sometimes crazy) idea but when it comes to actually carrying out the idea, I simply can't do it the way I want to. Maybe I am being too harsh on myself but sometimes deep down, I KNOW I could have done it better.

I think the problem is that I have a really vivid imagination and my ideas don't sometimes translate well in to reality.

I keep a secret book filled with all my ideas for lolita outfits (even my husband James doesn't see it). That scrapbook of ideas is my outlet for the artist inside me. And after I have finished an outfit idea, I then start to think about how I can put my plan in to action. I read fashion magazines, save images I find on the internet and look at blogs to see if anybody has done anything similar. If you ever see me slating my outfit, it is probably because secretly, I have made a page for the outfit in my scrapbook.

The outfits I plan may look interesting but they would be difficult to wear. That rules out wearing these outfits to a lot of meets. I have to think about transport and how well I can relax. I guess doing a special photo shoot could be an option. It may cost a bit of money but maybe I would be happier with the results. There is one particular outfit I have planned for my Meta Fairy Tale skirt which would definitely not be suitable for wearing outside the house, partly because sitting down would be impossible.

I also wonder if maybe I am too strict with myself. I feel sorry for my husband because he has to watch me go in to many clothes shops looking for a specific item and leaving empty handed. I reject clothes for the most stupid of reasons. It could be something like the way the sleeves on a blouse look, a specific detail or I could reject something for being slightly the wrong shade of a certain colour. It occurred to me that I could have settled on some of those items I discarded before. I need to try clothes on in the changing rooms more because clothes can look so different worn. Or I could try and alter the clothes myself. I could teach myself to sew properly. Yes, it would take time but eventually, I would be able to do alterations. Or I could try adding something on. A plain item could look different if I just add clips or bows or wear the item in a new way.

I could work harder to source rarer items and different materials. One of my biggest inspirations is etsy.com because of the variety you get on there. Chances are, that the items I want are out there. If I learn to search for stuff better, then who knows how far I can go?

But despite all this, I still hold on to my hopes and dreams. My head may be stuck in the clouds but I do believe that having a dream is not a bad thing. Just because an outfit doesn't live up to my idea, it does not automatically mean that the outfit I am wearing is bad.

And with a little more time and patience, I feel I could become a much better lolita.