The Element of Competition

Everybody has their different reasons for getting in to and wearing lolita. For me, I really enjoy putting outfits together and even if I don't always like the end result, I have a lot of fun. I don't see lolita as a lifestyle, I see it as a hobby. I gradually decided not to be a lone lolita and attend meets and stuff. I am now part of a local community, I attend cons and bigger lolita meets in London and I am a member of many different online groups on Facebook and Livejournal. And I am happy. I enjoy myself and I have made many friends.

However, because I am part of so many different groups, I also get bombarded with posts. Contests, model applications, photo shoots... these are all fairly common. And I do enter these contests. I tend to view them as a bit of fun. I never expect to win, but I join in anyway just in case. And generally, I think a lot of lolitas feel the same way.

But sadly, not everybody feels the same way. I have read posts about people getting upset about not getting picked to model or slating the people who did win. And this is not the only thing I have seen. There are lolitas out there who compete to get the most Lolita Valentines or brag online about how they were the best dressed at a meet. Suddenly, lolita is not about dressing up and meeting friends, but a contest to be the prettiest, most popular and to get the most attention.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. In the end, I came to the conclusion that lolita is only a competition if you make it a competition.

When you are next making an outfit for a meet, ask yourself this- are you designing this outfit with the intention of being the best dressed there? Are you trying to compete with your fellow lolitas? I am not saying that trying to dress up a bit more is necessarily a bad thing. There are situations (brand tea parties, for example) where maybe it is a good idea to put a bit of extra effort. And I understand the desire to look good, because if you think you look good, you tend to feel confident. I know how this feels. I will sometimes get a random idea in my head and will run with it, even if it is not necessarily within the norm for lolita. But it is never my intention to deliberately upstage people. I never say to myself "I am going to look a lot better than ______ will". I do what I do because I love lolita and I enjoy what I do. Besides, just because you think something looks good or bad, it doesn't mean that everybody is going to agree with you.

My opinion on contests such as modelling ones, is that if you don't win, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are worse than the people who win. It is just a matter of opinion. It could be that you simply didn't fit the judge's particular vision of what they were looking for. If members of the general public take more photos of one particular lolita in your group, it doesn't mean that they are the best lolita. In fact, with the general public it could easily be interpreted the other way and they think that lolita looks the strangest!

I feel that as lolitas, we should all just try our best to be the best lolitas we can and enjoy lolita as much as possible. Competitions are not a bad thing and can be quite fun, but for me, this is not why I got in to lolita. I just don't think that winning contests should affect our experience. I personally find that I enjoy lolita the most when I am not worrying about comparing myself to other lolitas. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Lolita is not a chore, it is meant to be enjoyed!

A Nice Little Surprise For Me!

I have not been having a great time! I have been unwell, my new brand has been hit by customs and work has been slow. So when I saw a random pink letter in the post, it caught my eye. Then I saw that it had been sent by one of my Facebook friends. I opened it to find... she had sent me some lovely jewellery! It was totally unexpected!

I got a bracelet with cute moon/star beads.

I also got a matching ring!

Some of my really long-term readers may remember I got sent a jewellery package a while ago, and these items came from the same person. They wouldn't have known I was having a bad day, but the jewellery came at just the right time! It is really lovely to see such an act of kindness and generosity. Thank you so much Saija for my new items. I love them!

Lolitas Who Help Each Other Out

I have met a lot of amazing people through lolita. I have been getting a lot of reminders lately about how lucky I am to have my friends. I have quite a lot of lolitas on Facebook and it is fair to say that I know some lolitas better than others. But despite this, I have discovered that people are willing to help you out.

An example would be when I recently discovered that one of my dream dresses was going cheap on a Japanese auction site. It was one of those dresses that is very popular and normally sells for well over the original retail price. The only problem is, the dress was a bit damaged. So I posted a status update stating what was wrong with the dress and asking people if I should take a risk and bid on it. I thought somebody would just give me a 'yes' or 'no' answer and that would be the end of it. But what I wasn't expecting was several different people offering to fix the dress for me. It was really great to get these offers and it made me feel good about myself. It showed that people were taking an interest and wanted to help me. I was really grateful for this unexpected help.

Then a few weeks ago, I came to the sudden realisation that I didn't have a matching head bow for an outfit I am wearing to a meet. Me being the Facebook junky that I am, I updated my status. I started searching all the sales communities for a suitable bow, but then somebody commented on my status saying they would make a bow for me.

And here it is! I can't thank my friend enough for her kind generosity. She even re-did the bow after I was unsure about one of the details. The bow was also neatly made and I can tell a lot of thought and effort was put in.

The skirt I want to wear it with!

And then this week I got a message asking me if I wanted some bow brooches that somebody didn't want. She didn't want to see them go to waste and so she gave them to me because she thought I would find somebody to do with them.

I really want to do something nice with them now, otherwise I feel like I would be letting her down!

Now aside from this post showing that I spend far too much time on Facebook, I think it also demonstrates that there are wonderful people out there who are willing to help out a friend. I would like to think that this is a sign that our friendship goes beyond a common interest in lolita fashion. And I want you all to know that I am very grateful to everybody that has offered me any help.

I would like to think that in turn, I am trying my best to be a good friend too. So here are some suggestions of things you could do to say 'thank you' to those who have selflessly helped you out. I already do a lot of these things myself.

1. Make a Lolita Valentine- Pretty straight forward. Sadly, this is something that I don't do as much as I should! But even if I don't make a Valentine, I do try to leave nice comments on photos that I like or on Daily Lolita posts. It is easy enough to do at any time.

2. Look out for your friend's dream items- If I spot an item I know my friend is after, I will tell them about it. Sometimes I will do a specific search just for their item, instead of casually browsing for myself. It is really great when you do eventually find an item because your friend may not have spotted it.

3. Make/bake something- I am not an excellent crafter but I do enjoy baking. So if I have been doing some random baking, I will usually take some over to my friends or family. Nobody has complained yet!

4. Offer to host meets or volunteer to help out a host- It is really nice being able to plan out all the fun things your group can do. But due to work/school/money etc, sometimes people don't feel up to hosting a meet. I think that by offering to host, it takes pressure off of the people who usually host a lot and it also shows you are willing to give something back. However, you should never take on more than you can handle!

5. Check with people before throwing something out- Like the person who gave me the bow clips did, you could try and see if anybody wants those items you were about to throw out. Somebody with a crafty or imaginative mind could find something to do with it, even if you can't think of anything.

6. Give people a hug- Simple, but it says a lot.

7. Lend a hand when getting dressed up or be somebody's guinea pig- Are you one of these people who is really good at hair styling, make-up? Or do you have a friend who is? Whatever your strength is, you could try helping out by styling your friend. Alternatively, if your friend wants to try out a new hair/make-up style but wants to practice first, let them practice on you. It is good to practice because it gives you more confidence.

8. Show people how to order from websites- This is something I actually get asked about a lot. I have helped people navigate websites such as Bodyline in the past and they have managed to get the hang of it. Foreign sites and those you are new to can be very daunting, so getting help can be very reassuring.

I am sure you can think of more ideas than I can. I am feeling a bit tired today, otherwise I would probably add more to this list. But more than anything else, I think it is important to just say 'thank you' to people. How you go about this is completely up to you.

Giving con-crit without being a bitch

When I initially decided to become more active amongst the online lolita community I have to admit, I felt a little intimidated. I had heard all these rumours about the EGL community (thankfully my overall experience has been positive), I knew all about Lolita Secrets and GetOffEGL and I was unsure about how I would fit in. But if I could pick one thing that I was really worried about it was giving constructive criticism to my fellow lolis.

I am not exactly confident to begin with so I generally stayed clear of con-crit situations. But there were also times where I desperately wanted to comment if I felt something looked bad or if I had come up with an interesting idea. Whenever I have made a negative comment I worry about the response I am going to get. I have read some entries on GetOffEGL under the Baaaaaw and butt-hurt tags about some people who clearly were not looking for con-crit and just wanted praise. I was also concerned that people would think I was being a hypocrite. I admit that I still have a lot of work to do to improve my wardrobe and I still have lots of holes I need to fill. Even when I post things on here I read them back a few months later and I sometimes get a bit embarrassed. So would these people appreciate advice from somebody who also needs to work on their outfits more? But then I told myself that nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as the "Perfect Lolita". We should try to learn together and be supportive where we can. So with this in mind, I asked myself what is the best way to give con-crit?

Give compliments when somebody is doing something you like- Even if people feel uncomfortable giving con-crit, I feel it is important to give positive feedback when you like something. You don't necessarily need to give con-crit but by giving compliments when you like something and not saying anything when you dislike stuff, even this can give the wearer a clear message. People will be able to see which of their outfits have had the best response because in theory, their best outfits will be the ones with the most positive comments. If an entry has fewer responses it might be time to consider improving the outfit even if there are a few positive comments given. Of course, this would depend on how observant the outfit wearer is.

Don't lie- If you don't like something then don't say that you do. It will just encourage people to do it again.

The 'compliment sandwich'- I am borrowing this from Family Guy, but I am sure the compliment sandwich does exist in other situations. Basically you give a positive comment, then a comment on where improvement is needed and then finish with another positive comment. Even if your positive comments are only really small little details, the compliment sandwich can still work. I think the reason it works is because you are softening the blow by surrounding the con-crit with nice things and also assuring the person that they have not got an outfit completely wrong.

Wording is very important- try to word your con-crit maturely. Using phrases like "OMG, what the HELL are you wearing!?!?!?!?" can be highly upsetting. I think if I was in this situation and somebody said something like this, I would find the person incredibly childish and a bit overly dramatic. It may work for celebrities on high profile fashion shows but it does not work as well in the real world.

Try not to post anonymously if you can- Lolita Secrets and anon posting does have its uses and sometimes people really are too shy to say things openly but it can look as if the poster has something to hide. Sometimes when I am reading the secrets on Sunday I find myself wondering why this anon felt they couldn't say these things to the person's face. I think most people can handle moderate con-crit so using anonymous posting should be a last resort.

Be prepared to make suggestions on how to improve- I think if people give con-crit it can be very helpful to give suggestions on what you would do. If people are getting criticised then it can be frustrating if they don't know how they can evolve their look.

Try to remember you are talking about somebody else's outfit and not yours- It is important to remember that people have different tastes. Just because you wouldn't wear something, it doesn't automatically make an outfit bad. Try to give con-crit but respect other people's tastes.

Once something is said you can't take it back- If you do say something you regret then the best thing to do is say you are sorry. But you should always think before you speak.

Remember that there will always be people who can't handle bad comments- There will always be people out there who start getting angry with con-crit no matter how helpful it is. The best thing to do is apologise or explain that you were simply making a suggestion. Don't get involved in a war of words. If they keep angrily responding to you just walk away.

And if anybody has any more helpful advice I would love to hear it. I have found that over time I have gradually become more confident so when I see the words con-crit on Daily Lolita, it does not seem as scary as it used to. And if somebody criticises you, don't automatically assume the person is trying to attack you. If you can't handle con-crit then simply ignore it.