Community Politics

The idea of lolita communities, whether they are more local or larger national communities, has been in my thoughts a great deal lately. I suppose with the disbanding of the Tea Party Club and the online reactions in response to this, there has been a lot of talk about what happens now. I wont be mentioning any names or specific comments (and most of the comments are anonymous anyway) but I am absolutely gobsmacked at some of the things being said. Sorry to say it, but some people are coming across as very entitled. The Tea Party Club events took so much time and effort. I don't think some people realise just how much the organisers put in to these huge events. But even at a local level there are some of the negative effects trickling down. For a while now I have backed away from being a part of a local community. It is not anything specific that one individual person has done, but because I was wondering if the smaller comm meets are really how I wish to pursue my love of lolita fashion. I try not to blog about the negative impact too much, but I will be honest and admit that there have been times where I have been hosting a meet where it has made me severely ill (both physically and mentally). A lot of that is down to me as an individual, but it did result in me backing away from my local community a lot. I came to realise that I am at my happiest when I am in just a small group of lolitas or even doing something with just my husband James. I am wearing lolita for myself a lot more and not because I feel the pressure to make a super amazing outfit for a community meet up. Communities can be great, but they are not the be-all and end-all of wearing lolita. But I thought today I would tackle community politics and how maybe we can all go about creating a bit of harmony in our communities.

A small disclaimer- none of the comments in this post are aimed at any specific community or individual. I appreciate that this could be a sensitive subject and I want you all to know that I am not making any thinly veiled digs at anybody. These are just general observations I have made from being part of several different communities (not all of them lolita communities) and also from stuff I have heard from others both online and in real life.

Firstly, majority rules, or at least it should be taken in to account when planning an event. Voting on dates and venues mean you can get a better picture of your community's needs. If the majority have selected one particular option and they host goes ahead and agrees with the vote, then in theory you are going to have a larger number of attendees and happier guests. But ultimately, it is the host's choice. I feel that if somebody is going to the effort of hosting a meet, they should have the largest say in what happens because it is the host who will have to deal with bookings, any problems etc. Try not to get upset if a vote does not go your way. The idea of these events is to cater towards the whole group, not one individual. You don't have to be at every single meet. Sometimes you just have to accept that things have not gone your way.

We should also try to take other member's needs in to consideration. For example, if you are hosting an event which would be suitable for adults only, maybe consider doing something more inclusive for all ages for the following meet. If somebody has a food allergy or specific diet, see if you can compromise and go to a similar venue where they are more likely to find food they can eat. Not everybody is able-bodied or as healthy, so consider if there is going to be a lot of walking or physical exertion involved. Try to make sure that everybody feels included and welcome to take part.

I also think it is important not to let one person take on all of the work. This is something I can relate to, as I have gotten myself in a rut of being the only one hosting meets before. Doing all of the organising can be super stressful and it takes its toll. I think in the wake of what has happened with the Tea Party Club, it is only now that we are realising what people like Kyra did for the UK community. She organised so many of the big events that I feel some of us took it for granted. Now we are at a loss about how to continue in the future. Fantastic meets can only go ahead if somebody is there to put the work in. If you have a service to offer which you think may be useful (translating, photography etc) then make yourself known. Also, if you want to step up and host a meet but don't know what to do, don't be afraid to ask event hosts for advice. I think that if people are willing to ask the needed questions, people will be able to offer advice. Do remember that 5 years ago, Kyra only got Juliette et Justine to come over because she actually asked them. And please, make sure that your hosts feel valued. Thank them!

Another thing to consider is making sure the community does not have any unrealistic rules. As an example, I know there are some communities which have a rule against going or posting on places like 4chan. How exactly do you enforce a rule like this? As these sites are anonymous, it is rare that you can prove who is posting what without going to a lot of effort. This can cause a lot of unnecessary finger pointing and accusations. Also, a lot of community members are adults or at least old enough to be making their own choices. We can't realistically police everything and in trying to do so, you can actually cause more problems than you are trying to prevent. Lolita is a fashion and having long lists of rules to join a community can scare people away.

Speaking of moderation, community moderators should be approachable and somebody you can go to if a problem arises. Members of a community want to know that they will be treated well. Not being able to get a hold of somebody when you have questions can be very frustrating. If as a moderator you feel as though you have taken too much on, consider adding additional moderators. Share the burden out fairly.

It is also important to try and keep personal drama out of lolita communities. Have an issue with another lolita? That should be between the two of you and nobody else. Don't force people to choose sides. It can really cause a horrible atmosphere if you bring your drama to a meet. Sometimes it is very tricky to deal with people you don't like or have fallen out with, but hopefully you can keep things civil. Rather than focusing on the drama, try talking to another lolita. Focus on other things. I personally find that this has a positive effect rather than brooding on things.

Finally, members should be free to meet up with each other away from the community. Sometimes you find you really click with somebody and you develop a friendship beyond the fashion. So it is only natural that you may decide to meet up with those few people outside of lolita meets, regardless of whether or not you wear lolita when you see each other. If you connect with somebody, don't be afraid to make the first move. Try messaging them and if things go well, maybe you could suggest meeting at a cafe for a drink. As you get older, it is a lot harder to make new friends compared to when you were a child. You may find you have to make a bit more effort, but sow the seeds and hopefully a beautiful friendship will bloom.

So those are just some thoughts that I have come up with. Can you think of anything that I have missed out? Do feel free to comment your suggestions. Over the past year I have been thrown in to a lot of situations where I have needed to consider my interactions a lot more and I think as a result my behaviour and actions have changed (hopefully for the better!). With everything that has happened recently, perhaps we need to think a bit more about how we can evolve as a community. You can't make everybody happy all the time, but sometimes just knowing that our thoughts and feelings have been acknowledged can make all the difference. My wish for the future is that we can all continue to have fun adventures together as a happy and content community.

Overcoming an Inconvenient Location

Life is gradually getting back to normal since my holiday, but there was something else about the holiday that caused me to pause for thought. Whilst James and I were staying at this castle a little bit outside Edinburgh, we decided to take advantage of the afternoon tea that they offered. Despite purposely avoiding breakfast and lunch in preparation, I was still unable to finish everything on offer!

This dessert platter was only one part of the tea we had. There were large sandwiches, crips, salad, jams and sweets as well. The view from the orangery we ate in was spectacular too. Anyway, whilst we were stuffing our faces, a thought came to me and it turned out James had been thinking the same thing as well. If we were to go for afternoon tea with the Oxford community somewhere in the town centre, this large spread would not only cost double what we paid, but there would also be a service charge placed on top of that as well. It is incredible how you can go to different parts of the country and get charged such different amounts of money.

Oxford is such a beautiful city and if you have never been, I suggest you come at least once and experience our beautiful dreaming spires. But actually living in Oxfordshire has its down points. Oxford is a university city and also a tourist hot-spot. Oxfordshire is one of the most expensive places to live in the UK outside of London. The issue with the city's reputation is that people will charge you extra money, purely because of the Oxford name and because they know they can get this money out of tourists. The service and offerings are no better, but we are losing out money-wise. If you are a tourist on a one-off visit, perhaps you are willing to pay a bit extra. But for me as a local, it is very difficult to justify hosting regular meets when you feel like you are being ripped off. The Oxfordshire Lolitas are a very varied group, like a lot of communities. We have students, younger and older members, people who travel from neighbouring counties and people who are in employment or not. This means we usually have to cater for a variety of budgets and needs. A lot of the time this is pretty straight-forward, although people's circumstances are always changing. The other issue with a town like Oxford is the size. Oxford is the smallest city in the UK and as a result, a lot of the shops, cafes and restaurants are very compact with limited seating. If a meet is especially popular and you get lots of people attending, your choice of locations is quickly cut down to a very limited few. And as I mentioned, Oxford is quite a tourist city. At the weekends you find yourself competing with the shoppers and tourists for spots everywhere. The tourists can also cause other issues. For the most part, I am pretty relaxed around tourists and will take photos with them, but sometimes it gets a bit tiresome. So now I find myself trying to steer the group away from certain areas of the city in case we get bombarded. 

I promise I will stop ranting about Oxford now! Despite its flaws, I do still have a lot of love for this city. But to overcome the issues I have with Oxford I have had to adapt, think outside the box and quickly come up with solutions when meet plans go awry. So here is how I have been dealing with the problems up until now.

Know your comm- It is important not to make assumptions. If you think a meet idea may be a bit troublesome, ask your community for their opinions. You never know, that meet idea may be more popular than you realised. I also try to keep an eye on who become more regular attendees and who maybe only shows up from time to time. If somebody is not coming that often when they seem eager to attend, then perhaps there is an issue there that I can try to deal with discreetly. I also try to avoid doing more expensive and elaborate meets at times of the year when there are lots of big events going on and during exams season.

Know your city- Who knows a city better than the people who live there? We can figure out which areas are likely to be crowded but we are also more likely to know the hidden secrets that the tourists are unaware of. Share information with your fellow members. I also go in to the city not in lolita and just make note of places I think the group can enjoy.

Make the most of local magazines- I hate junk mail but sometimes the local newspapers and magazines that get put through my door can be helpful. It will give you insight to any local fares, carnivals and exhibits going on in the area that could be of interest. It does mean you will probably have to sort through a lot of uninteresting stuff, but sometimes you can find a few hidden gems.

Groupon is your friend- There are so many coupon websites out there that communities can take advantage of. Sometimes companies will offer you deals if you sign up for a certain amount of time as well. You can get deals on lots of local attractions and restaurants. Sometimes it is worth looking up certain restaurant websites and newsletters as they will have deals too. Even the cereal I am eating has a coupon on the box for popular attractions. Also keep an eye out for freebies as sometimes you can use them to pad out prizes for games.

Look out for hidden charges- Sometimes it is worth looking up where you are visiting beforehand to check there are no hidden fees. Some restaurants can get very insistent about you paying a service charge. If you are not prepared then your meet can end up costing more than you initially planned for. My recommendation is to always have a bit of money spare whenever you go to a meet anyway.

Cheap meets can still be fun- Picnics are always very fun and can be cheap to host if everybody brings a dish along with them. Is it any wonder picnic meets are so popular? Other ideas could include berry picking, visiting free museums... There are a lot of options if you sit down and think about it. And there is more to a meet than spending out on activities. Socialising and chatting with your community members can sometimes be the best bit of a meet, no matter what you are doing.

Think outside the box- Oxford is quite a small city and there are only so many times you can see the same things without getting a bit bored of them. So sometimes you have to try and make a bit more effort to come up with fresh ideas. I still think one of the best meets the Oxford group has ever had was when we made fudge at the fudge kitchen shop in the city. It is so unusual and a bit different. Because of the shop's location, we were mainly left alone by tourists as well.

Don't feel obliged to pose for photographs- If you feel comfortable letting tourists take pictures with you then by all means go ahead. But don't feel like you have to. A lot of tourists don't understand that lolita is a fashion and you are not some sort of attraction, so they may not realise you are just trying to get on with your meet. Sometimes tourists can really hold you up, especially when there is a large group and every one of them wants to get a picture. Chances are, some of them will try to get a sneaky picture of you anyway so I don't feel too bad about ignoring their requests from time to time.

Hopefully this post doesn't sound too harsh about Oxford! I have found our meets to be very fun and my comm members are always very entertaining to hang around with. If anybody has any further suggestions to add to my list then do feel free to leave a comment. Any help is always welcome!